


Somebody to Love

by Scree_Kat



Series: Ineffable Parenthood [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crowley is Bad at Being a Demon (Good Omens), Crowley is good at being a Dad, Here be cussing, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, Pets are complicated, Smol Hermione is Adorable Hermione
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-11 23:07:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19936018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scree_Kat/pseuds/Scree_Kat
Summary: The Ineffable Family is getting rather large.





	Somebody to Love

‘Daddy!' It wasn’t often that Hermione called him that, only when she was upset or scared. There was no thought to say ‘move’, but Crowley dropped the glass he’d been holding and found himself teleported to the garden, uncaring if anyone saw his sudden appearance or lack of glasses. He knew Aziraphale was right behind him, knew that if he’d still had that flaming sword it would be raised now in defence of their hellion of a daughter. Hermione was running towards them, her eyes wide and scared and tear stained. Behind her, the Them and Harry formed a protective barrier, Harry glancing over his shoulder as though waiting for an unseen attack. Even for the Them, it was concerning.

Hermione’s hands were held loosely together, like she was holding something precious and not quite sure what to do to not break it. She was focused on her hands, the panic she was unwittingly projecting against Crowley's psyche like a high pitched scream coupled with sharp talons dragging across the fleshier bits of his brain. It was distracting. So distracting he didn’t notice the sudden fear on Hermione's face (unlike her father, she had realised she was running too fast to slow in time), or the way she turned herself, body shifting so that she shouldered him instead of risking whatever it was in her hands. Only Aziraphale’s instinctive grip kept him from falling.

‘Daddy, help.’

‘What’s happened?’ He could see no blood, and while she was panicked, she clearly wasn’t injured. Behind him, Aziraphale was hovering, uncertain of how to approach and rather aware that Hermione had rather loudly declared this a Crowley job. Slowly, her hands opened, revealing a tiny black snake, probably newly hatched. Though it wriggled in her hands, the arch of its back was very, very wrong. His worry for Hermione resolved, he could feel the tiny creature’s fear and pain, its struggle to move and desperation to escape all of the noise and brightness. Wincing in sympathy, he hissed out a quiet reassurance that stopped the snake’s futile struggles.

‘He killed the others! Even the mother snake! I didn’t mean it but I couldn’t let him hurt it, please don’t be cross!’ He’d deal with _that_ rather ominous request later. For now…

‘Give her to me, Mya.’ She obeyed instantly, moving so gingerly it would be comical at any other time. ‘Why didn’t you heal her? Or Harry or Adam? Any one of you are strong enough to.’

‘I was scared we’d hurt it worse.’

‘Yeah, you know what its insidey bits are meant to be like, not us.’ Adam’s voice rang through the awkward silence, worried but still somehow far too cheeky for his own good, and Crowley shot him an amused look before concentrating his powers on healing the tiny creature. It was the work of a moment, and the snake was healed, squirming until he returned it to Hermione’s anxious grasp. The girl whispered words the poor snake couldn’t understand, though it seemed to imprint on her the way… was it hedgehogs? Sheep? Something imprinted. Harry snuck into his usual place beside Hermione, offering translations while the Them smiled indulgently.

Adorable as it was, he still needed to be an adult. ‘So who did you kill?’ Judging by Hermione’s guilty expression, it wasn’t entirely the wrong thought to be having. He fought the urge to sigh, even as he knew Aziraphale was mentally readying for a jaunt in the woods to find a random corpse, and wondering whether reanimation was miracle enough for one of Gabriel's strongly worded notes.

‘I didn’t _kill_ him, Daddy.’ For such a little thing, the girl was far too good at sounding like those around her were the sort of spectacular kind of dullard she hadn’t even known existed until they’d begun talking. He could feel Aziraphale’s amused gaze like being hit in the back of the head with a sign reading ‘SHE GOT THAT FROM YOU’.

‘Yeah, she just kinda accidentally slammed him into a tree _really_ hard. Could have happened to anyone. I’m sure he’s fine.’ Brian shrugged like it was normal. Go-Sa- _Someone,_ he hoped it wasn't.

Pepper, rather overprotective of the only other girl in the Them, jumped in before the others could continue. ‘It was clearly accidental! We were walking along, heard him yelling and went to investigate. She only had a moment to act before the poor snake was dead! It’s not her fault Billy’s an idiot footsoldier of toxic alpha-male wannabe syndrome.’

Looking at the snake snuggling against Hermione’s hand, and his daughter's tearstained face, Crowley couldn’t help but grin at Pepper’s rather effective ploy. Rolling his eyes, he decided to play along. ‘She was just trying to knock some sense into him. Can’t be helped. She’ll know to try harder next time.’ Despite them being on an entirely different plane of existence, Crowley could actually feel the ruffling of wings as Aziraphale readied for what would likely be one of his more epic lectures, but it was worth it to see Hermione smile. 'Angel, would you mind taking the Them for a walk to find Billy? Might look less like a lynch mob with you around.' The _Billy probably wouldn't enjoy meeting me right now_ went unsaid, but was certainly conveyed none the less. 

Aziraphale shifted him aside slightly to walk to the group, rolling his eyes playfully. 'No more additions to the family while we're gone, Mya. And don't think we're not going to talk about using your powers to cause harm, young lady!' Hermione gulped, looking nervous until the snake stole her attention once more.

*

It was late enough that the kids were asleep, and Aziraphale was wearing an expression that said that he had to be an adult and was more than a little put out about the entire situation. ‘We can’t let her keep it.’ Azirphale’s voice was low, troubled, and Crowley sipped at his wine as he tried to figure out how to explain that their darling little witch had gone and bonded with a snake, of all things. His symbol. His kid, in a way.

There hadn’t been other snakes in the Garden, truthfully he wasn’t entirely sure how they’d shown up once the Garden had been destroyed. Either there had been angels running about, copying the creatures they saw (and how had he not noticed _that_?), or God was, as ever, a fan of painful humour. There had been Crowley, and then there had been numerous mini-Crowleys, and blessed if he wasn’t at least a little overprotective of them.

‘She’ll do it anyway, angel. You know that. Besides, do you really want to deal with her disappointed, worried face when it starts getting cold and we’ve rather cruelly left her cold-blooded bestie to freeze?’

‘Crowley…’

‘Azirrrraphalllle.’ He drew the name out, the way he knew irritated the angel no end. ‘She’s a witch who just found her familiar. The kid loves the snake, the snake loves the kid. It’s not even venomous. What’s the problem?’ The wine in his glass lurched dangerously, and he fought to calm his gestures before Aziraphale sensed the danger to his library.

‘Do you really think she’ll be allowed to take a snake to school? That it won’t get hurt if she smuggles it in?’

‘We’ll talk to her. Between the lot of them, it’s the safest snake in the world. Besides, another pair of eyes on the kids wouldn’t be a bad thing, the amount of trouble that lot get into...’

He smiled as Aziraphale tried to hide his gratitude for the out. As much as they both had to be the parent from time to time, neither enjoyed having to say no to things that, really, didn't seem like they should even be counted as problematic. ‘Fine, but we’ll need to get it a tank or something. I won’t have another serpent slithering about the house.’

He tried, very hard, not to be offended.

*

It was late. Late enough that miniature humans should be thoroughly asleep. Crowley was sprawled on the couch, idly letting Kaa the snake meander like a waterfall between his hands when he heard Hermione’s gentle footfalls.

‘You should be asleep, little hellspawn.’ A soft snort, and he'd swear he could hear her eyes rolling fondly as she wandered out to confiscate her familiar and use a demon as a pillow. He could feel the sadness radiating off the girl, eyed her until she reluctantly met his gaze, her cheeks reddening in embarrassment. ‘Gonna tell me what’s got you upset?’

Another pause, and she sighed the low, drawn out, and just slightly melodramatic sigh of Small Human In Much Angst. ‘I can’t talk to her.’

‘Who?’ She held up the snake delicately. Huh.

‘You never shut up to the snake. I have _literally_ found you talking to Kaa in your sleep, when she’s in her tank, probably enjoying the chance for some peace and bloody quiet.’ Her next sigh was less angst, more _I can't believe you're this stupid._ Insulted or not, Crowley was a little bit proud.

‘You and Harry can talk to her. She can understand you. I just… I don’t want her to not be happy because you and Harry won’t tell me if she says I’m doing something wrong. What if she hates her name? Or her food? Or the way I hold her? What if I’m hurting her and I don’t know? What if she never likes me?’ Oh. That’d do it.

‘She loves you. And we’d tell you.’ The girl was a master at the doe-eyed stare coupled with a slightly quivering lip that Crowley was almost positive she’d learned from Aziraphale. There was no way in Hell it came from him, and he was positive Pepper would rather kill a problem with a paperclip than risk supporting the patriarchy with that sort of girlish nonsense. ‘Are you asking me- or guilting me, if I’m being strictly accurate- to use demonic magic with the ability to tarnish your very soul, just so you can talk with your bloody pet?’

She bit her lip, looking deeply guilty. ‘Yes?’

‘That’s my girl.’ He pressed a kiss to her head, willing the ability to speak and understand into her essence, weaving the magic through every fiber of her being. In Hermione’s hand, the little snake hissed, Hermione’s eyes widening in startled amazement as the sibilance formed itself into a single word. _Mother_. 

‘Now for the love of all that’s ho-ev- _something_ , go to bed before your Dad realises you’re awake and into the dark magics, yeah?’ He dropped another kiss to her forehead, obligingly kissing Kaa’s head when Hermione offered it up for a goodnight, too, and watched the pair hurry back to Hermione’s room, chattering contentedly.

‘Goodnight, Daddy.’

 _Goodnight, Grandfather._ Hermione sniggered, but wisely hurried them to bed.

**Author's Note:**

> For those asking for a chronological order, it runs as follows:
> 
> In Which A Family Is Created Through Arguable Theft  
> Thoughts From the Back of a Bentley  
> Hiding In Plain Sight  
> Interlude: Through the Looking Glass  
> Her Father’s Eyes  
> In Which You Probably Shouldn’t Say Those Kinds Of Things Around Children, Crowley  
> The Demon Of Lost Causes  
> Raising Hell  
> Somebody to Love  
> Interlude: A Walk Down Privet Drive and An Ominous Sense of Oncoming Doom


End file.
